Cost effective data center operations
Today marks a new day in the data center operations at ipHouse.
ipHouse has never outsourced any type of operations prior to this move. This bold move in efficiency makes ipHouse the premier facility manned and operated 24×7 by a private contractor.
Over the last few months, we have been negotiating with The Wonka Candy Company, directly with president Charlie Bucket for the upgrade to our operations. This might come as surprise to many of you, but Wonka Industries has been branching out for years into other services besides making some mind-blowing, awesome candy. (Though it must be noted, their expansion into day care facilities failed miserably.)
Among the changes to our data center, we will also be upgrading our on-site security measures, our fire suppression solution, and our emergency elevator escape system.
We have also negotiated our new off-site storage with TheCandyMountainSecureStorageServicesCompany(tm) (TCMSSSC). This is great news as it helps us achieve the elusive 5 nines Gobstopper rating for data centers.
The new security measures are sugary sweet, and truly state of the art. We’ll not only be using the Oompa-Loompa workforce for the operations of the data center, but we’ve also contracted with Chocolate Security Services to supply us with their Oompa-Loompa Security Force agents to guard both the front and rear entrances.
We have also initiated changes to our security card system by moving away from easily bypassed proximity cards to Snozzberry Scented Access Cards (SSAC). Digital security systems are easily bypassed because of the single 1s and 0s used in binary computing, the SSAC, though, is purely analog allowing for an infinite combination of scents for authscentification.
Our updates to the fire suppression system will be happening during the month of April, 2011 as we move away from the current dry pipe solution to the very first rollout of the Bubble Fire Suppression Solution (BFS) from Bucket Services, Inc. Instead of water (used in dry pipe), Halon (poisonous), or FM200 (where did the air go) uses in the past, the new BFS system actually uses bubbles filled with a secret gas to take the fire up and away from the servers, equipment, and personnel in the facility. Mr. Charlie Bucket says “This is by far, the best system to move fire away from expensive equipment and up into the cutting fans, where the fire will be chopped into smaller, more manageable pieces and mixed into Atomic Fireballs and Big Tex Jelly Beans.”
To handle any impossible emergency events in the data center, the Factory Airation Individual Lift (FAIL) subsidiary will be installing their patented Great Glass Elevator Emergency and Security Cylinders throughout the facility, including both entrances. These can be used by oompa loompas and humans alike to escape an unlikely flood from the new HVAC, which uses hundreds of thousands of gallons of chocolate to remove heat from the data center. They may also be used for security; when a human is determined to be a “bad egg” in the “veruca trap”, they can, and will, be shot into orbit.
When customers are coming down to work on their network after these new measures are put into place, a lottery of golden tickets will be used to create some excitement. By working with our customers through multiple – multiple choice questionnaires, we have determined that this will be the most effective way to for their system admins to stop by the data center to patch and update their systems regularly. The winning Golden Tickets Winners (GTW) give the system admins an exclusive 5 minutes alone to wade into, or relax next to, our chocolate waterfall.
While nobody wants to have to come in to fix something broken, this lottery system is designed to add some excitement back into the process.
This is something that has been in the works for some time. If you currently have an access card issued in the past five years, you may already be a winner. Fold your access card LENGTHWISE in half so that the printed side ends up in the middle. You will feel a snap as the card’s contents are revealed.
If your card does not reveal a golden ticket, you are not a winner and will no longer be able to cross the new security perimeter to access your server. You are welcome to try again. Additional access cards are available individually or by the case. Contact your sales representative with any questions or to order.
As an added potential benefit; customers visiting our data center to work on their equipment might win a free candy bar, chocolate coated Windows Server 2008 R2 (the chocolate coating makes it go down easier), apple iPod (tastes like real apples, shaped like a real iPod), or even a full and exclusive tour of our data center by boat.
Finally, with all of these new changes, we will be rolling out a new logo for our Data Security Center Solution Service, seen just below.
A gallery of pictures of a senior Oompa-Loompa doing an inspection of our current facility is also linked below.
We wish to thank all of the Oompa-Loompas who let us take their photos as we continue to integrate their services into our company.